I don’t know when I stopped being mindful. There must have been a moment; a pause, a subtle shift. I have lost sight of my gratitude, and I wonder whether choosing, as I did, not to get the word tattooed on the inside of my wrist two summers ago was a mistake; a letting go of that which should never be let go of. Maybe the visual reminder is the thing that would have held me to it.
The last year has been difficult. Not every day, not every moment, but challenging in a way I never could have predicted. I don’t think I can sustain this level of outrage and anger, or this burning desire to be the change. I am almost entirely an armchair activist, my forays out into the political arena few and far between. And yet I’ve joined political groups, attended meetings, walked petitions, campaigned, donated, written letters, texted and called. I’ve worked hard to understand the issues and to find my voice, to know where I stand, where I want to stand. And through it all, over the course of this last year, I have watched the unthinkable unfold.
Today a friend dropped by with a thoughtful gift. Her kindness reminded me that there is great meaning in small gestures. It’s an easy thing to forget, how a random act of kindness can change things. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore. So much has been lost, so many touchstones that once felt like they were mine to keep.
I don’t know where the coming year will lead us. I feel the weight of lost hope; I hear it in the voices of my resister sisters. We are exhausted, worn down; unsure how — or even if — we can keep moving forward. I am ready now to go home, to put it all aside and find myself again.
Beyond the darkness, there is light. I know that to be true. And I know I will eventually make my way back there, but for now, for this moment, I will simply close my eyes and remember to breath.
Thank you for reading, for offering kind words, for standing by my virtual side. I hope this finds you in the warmth of the light, and feeling, perhaps, a little more hopeful than I am on this winter’s eve. Merry Christmas, my friends.