The last week has been a little rough, physically and emotionally. I know I have to expect small setbacks, but it’s easy to get discouraged when it seems like I’m not making progress. If only sleep wasn’t a recurring problem, or I felt strong enough to work out, or it didn’t hurt to lay on my side; I could go on and on. When I am tired and worn down, all I see are the things that hold me back.
I went to the gym yesterday to work with a new trainer. I had warned her that I was kind of a mess and that we had to stick to very low impact moves, but I was also curious to see what my body could do. Turns out, not much. And by the end of the day, I could barely walk, my muscles complaining with each step. But this morning when I woke up (let me repeat that: when I woke up), I realized that I had slept through the night. All night. And with no help from my little sleep “helpers.” So, there’s that.
In a week I’ll be back at PT, and between that and the gym, I know I will slowly regain my strength and my stamina. I can’t do it alone, so I am grateful I have the help and support I need to get back on track.
My nipples are slowly beginning to heal. Honestly, that’s been a very weird thing. I was so used to not having them and then to suddenly have them in this strange exaggerated cartoonish form has been overwhelming — and not in a good way. I had forgotten, too, how these incisions heal and that there is sometimes more bleeding and oozing and weird little stitches sticking out and tacky glue all over the place. It’s been a challenge to keep my nipples covered, but not smashed, or crushed, especially now that my skin erupts in a rash when I use the paper tape. I finally figured out that I could put a Kotex mini pad inside one of those stretchy sleeping bras. I could write a book of tips and tricks — the strange and absurd things your doctor doesn’t tell you.
The bruising has faded significantly over the last few days. I’m still swollen, but I think that will get better as I increase my activity level. Soon enough everything will feel normal again, or as close to normal as is possible considering what I’ve been through.
I’m still tolerating the Aromasin very well, though the hot flashes have been a little crazy over the last few days. I hope that will eventually be a non-issue. In about 10 days, I’m scheduled for another Lupron shot and I see all my doctors again mid-October.
I’ve been working a little, and writing not at all. But I’m hopeful I still have a few good essays left to write and maybe, eventually, a book. It’s been a strange year, and I’m anxious — but also a bit reluctant — to put it behind me. I still have a lot to process, a lot to work through, the emotional piece is a challenge… but I’ll get there, even with a few setbacks along the way. I have no doubt.