Time

As our time here winds down, I am finding it harder to push aside my anxiety. Moments of nagging worry and stress are starting to get to me. And it’s crazy, stupid stuff, but maybe that’s what happens when bigger things loom. Regardless, I believe we are ready to go home. It’s time.

I thought as I got closer to completing my reconstruction, I’d be more certain of what to do. But I’m still not sure about my nipples, I am going home to pre-op appointments and a September 1st surgery date, but I’m not convinced I want to have this procedure. It’s strictly cosmetic. In a cross between origami and magic, my plastic surgeon will create real/faux nipples where now there are none. I know I need to have some adjustments made, little tweaks here and there to even out my breasts, but what I have now, even in this unfinished form, is better than what I had pre-mastectomy and there is a part of me that thinks I should leave well-enough alone.

I’m moving toward an end I feel unsure of. I don’t know if I should push forward or stop.

I’ve pretty much decided to put the removal of my ovaries on hold. I still need to have a consult with the doctor, get a better handle on the pros and cons, but I know I need more time. The Lupron shot was kind of a hassle to arrange and get insurance approval on, but the side effects have been easy enough to deal with, and I think getting another 3-month dose in September makes more sense than scheduling surgery right now. I need more time. Even after all the time that has passed, I need more time.

I can’t say what our future holds, but I hope we can soon put all these medical questions to rest. This has been a challenging year for us, but also for so many of our family and friends. Maybe this is just what happens as you get older, or maybe this is just one of those years.

Regardless, it’s time.

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My brother snapped this photo mountain biking at dusk. It’s the same view we get flying in and out of Burbank…the lights, the mountains, the water not quite visible on the horizon. The rise and fall my California home.

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3 thoughts on “Time

  1. I agree that you don’t need to rush a desision. This is your body and you must be happy with the ultimate outcome. Arm yourself with all the information you can, then can proceed from a confident position.

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  2. Yes, take the time you need. Some decisions need more reflection than others. I know you will make the right decision for you. xo

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  3. You still have so much on your plate, and I think careful consideration and waiting is very wise. Sometimes when everything gets overwhelming and even my own inner voice is stifled, I sit and wait it out. Answers come. I wish you much peace and ease moving forward, am grateful that you had this replenishing time in California and hope that your “nipple confusion” will be made clearer.

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