When it rains

It rained almost all day Saturday. Thunder. Lightening. Rain. Which is unusual and strange and will probably do nothing to alleviate the drought.

Our evening plans were cancelled due to the weather, so we ended up at my sister’s for pizza and ice cream. It’s been kind of an odd summer. I’m not really thinking about home, but as our days here wind down, it’s been harder for me to stay in the present. My mom is having knee surgery in a week, so there is that, too. I keep telling myself that soon all this will be behind us and yet, I don’t really want the time to pass — I wish we could start over. I want to be back in San Luis, See Canyon to Avila Beach, Los Osos Valley Road to Montano de Oro.

Last night, as we took the 134 into Pasadena, clouds and fog clung to the mountains. I thought about the last time I was here in the rain, and I couldn’t remember, except that I know it rained the morning of my wedding, and then again that same year at Christmas. I think it was an El Nino year.

My son heard about a meeting of rat rods at the LA river, “just like the old days, mom…” though he only knows about old days from movies and youtube clips. “You know we can’t go,” I told him. “It’s just not the kind of thing we can do.” And I know he understands, but he’s disappointed too. Souped up hot rods racing in the dry river basin? LA is part fantasy, part reality for all of us. But I can only blur the lines so much.

I’m not sure how I’ll remember this summer. I think my expectations are too high. Somehow my time here in LA was supposed to make up for cancer and a crappy winter, but I know now that’s not going to happen.

It’s supposed to rain again on Monday — I guess sometimes you just have to make your own sunshine.


6 thoughts on “When it rains

  1. Maybe it can’t make up for the cancer and all the crap, because that just all really sucks no matter what – you know? But maybe instead of making it go away, it can be a respite from it. A little time out where you get some rest and sun with your family around you, where it doesn’t go away but it feels a little softer around the edges, or a little lighter. I don’t know, it’s not my experience, but maybe reframing the expectation to something lighter would feel better. Either way, keep writing about it. This is beautiful, my friend. xoxo


  2. I love the way Jordan put it, that hopefully “it feels a little softer around the edges.” That’s my hope for you, too! Sending love!


  3. Beautiful, Kristen. The rain did cast a strange pall over the day. I guess we’re not used to it here in sunny Southern California. But, you’re right that sometimes we definitely have to make our own sunshine. Hope you can soak in as much of that sunshine as possible for the rest of your trip. Hugs and kisses, G


  4. It’s been a strange few days, and I just spent three weeks up on Whidbey Island where there was no rain the entire time I was there. So very strange. I keep thinking that your healing will take more time — that these ups and downs will go on for quite some time. I’m wishing you long stretches of ease, in sunshine and rain.


  5. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. Also sending love and prayers to your mom. Please keeping me posted. I hope that her recovery is short and as pain free as possible.


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