Entirely me

As I drifted off to sleep last night, I thought, “this is the last full night of rest I will have for a long time.” I am not counting the hours of drugged post-surgery sleep, something about that feels unnatural, artificial and not truly restful. I am a side sleeper, but I have a feeling I will be spending the next few weeks trying to sleep on my back. Or in a recliner. Honestly, I have no idea what to expect.

And yet, I’m not anxious or scared. Not anymore. I think the two week delay, hard as it was, left me in the let’s-get-this-over-with place. Much better than the this-can’t-be-happening place. I will spend a quiet day at home (which coincides nicely with the ice storm raining down outside), putting things in their proper place, sending last minute emails and compiling notes and phone numbers and things my family will need access to while I am in the hospital. This time tomorrow, I will be in the operating room.

There are still moments when I feel like this is a mistake. A crazy, unimaginable mistake. I wonder if that will ever go away? Acceptance is a hard road. Even as I have slowly come to accept my surgery, the reality of cancer seems impossible. Aside from the fact that I tire easily (is it physical or emotional fatigue, or both?), I feel fine. There are no outward signs of illness. No lumps to feel, no fever, no pain. I am still entirely me.

Thank you for being out there, for the encouragement, the support. I could not have come this far without you. Someone will try to post an update once I’m out of surgery, and hopefully I’ll be back writing my way through recovery by the weekend.

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10 thoughts on “Entirely me

  1. Hello from ‘someone”…I love this song:

    There’s a saying old says that love is blind
    Still were often told, seek and ye shall find
    So I’m going to seek a certain lad I’ve had in mind
    Looking everywhere, haven’t found him yet

    He’s the big affair I cannot forget
    Only man I ever think of with regret
    Id like to add his initial to my monogram
    Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

    There’s a somebody I’m longing to see
    I hope that he turns out to be
    Someone who’ll watch over me
    I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood
    I know I could always be good
    Someone who’ll watch over me

    Although he may not be the man some
    Girls think of as handsome
    To my heart he carries the key
    Won’t you tell him please to put on some speed
    Follow my lead, oh, how I need
    Someone to watch over me

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You can never have too much love! Sending it in bunches to you all. Almost to the other side, yes let’s get this over with. Can’t wait for our summer lunch and girl talk!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thinking of you, Kristen! Sending prayers and love to you, your family and your surgeons. Wishing you a speedy recovery from surgery. xoxoxo

    Like

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