The other side

I need to be on the other side of this thing. The waiting, the anticipation, the unknown — it’s starting to become unbearable. So much of what I’ve experienced in the last few weeks has felt like one step forward, two steps back. For every moment I have felt strong and brave, there is a counterpoint, a moment or two or three where I have felt weak and miserable and overwhelmed. There are days that seem like normal pre-diagnosis days and there are days where I am one step away from ending up on the floor in the fetal position.

As surgery gets closer — just one week to go — it gets harder to find my center. I spent the morning cleaning the oven and the kitchen, doing laundry and setting up a space for my mom in our little media room upstairs. I dusted and vacuumed and made a paste of baking soda and water to clean the glass on the oven door. And then I crashed. It was all I could do to get off the couch to pick up my son at 3 pm. I eased him through homework, all too aware that he’s also feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I had to remind myself that no matter how unprepared he is for tomorrow’s midterm, it isn’t worth pushing him — not now, not today, not this week.

When I had my pre-op testing at the hospital on Monday, they gave me three packages of these special surgical wipes. I’m supposed to shower the night before surgery, then use these wipes (which will help protect me from infection) on my arms, legs, torso and back. The morning of the surgery, I can brush my teeth and wash my face, but that’s it. No shower. No water. No food. Midnight is the cut off. I know it’s not important, but I hate everything about those instructions. I can’t explain why because I’m not even sure I know. I just hate them.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family and friends. I don’t take any of it for granted. And when I am feeling myself slip or my mood falter, I am never far from an encouraging word or an outstretched hand. I want to be strong for the people who love me and care about me. And a lot of the time, I am.

But the waiting is not easy. And the thing I’m waiting for is a terrible thing — although I guess you could argue it’s a good thing too, but mostly it’s just terrible.

I want it over. But I’m so far away from over, I don’t see how I’m going to get there.

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10 thoughts on “The other side

  1. You’ve had to wait sooo very long for the surgery! It’s amazing that you haven’t gone crazy by now. You’re a strong lady! I’m hoping and praying that having your mom around will help get you through this last week. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Kristen, this IS such a difficult journey. Everything you are experiencing is absolutely normal. Some days, some moments… are just so hard. Others are more tolerable. One step at a time. Breathe. A lot of love is coming your way. You will get to the other side. You can do this. You ARE doing it. I’m with you in spirit. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate that I am so far away. Just know that my hand is reaching out, to hold your hand and help you get through all of this. Your mom is a great care giver, I know you will feel even just a little better once she arrives. Stay strong and know there are so many keeping you in their thoughts. The anticipation is always the worst. Sending you love and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Kristen; life some times throws us a curve ball but if we know its coming we are prepared to hit it out of the park. You have tons of support and you are young, you can handle this, faith in what you believe and you will surprise yourself and Im sure it will strengthen you. God Bless. Mr. and Mrs G.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ugh. This reminds me of the awful week before my knee surgery last year. Every instruction, every phone call, that nasty antiseptic I had to shower with the morning of the surgery…I *hated* it. It all freaked me out and left me feeling scared and very alone, even though I had so much help lined up. I cried after every instruction call and appointment. I totally relate to this. I was so grateful when it was done because the days of waiting and prep and more nurses calling you on the phone to give you yet more instructions…it’s all too much. xoxoxo to you…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. K,
    If you need a little more belief, believe in us who believe in you. We’re here holding you in our thoughts and our love. And we’ll be there to hold you on the other side of this. Hold you in any way you want or need. You can believe even if it is difficult. It’s the way through this. Love, Ned

    Liked by 1 person

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