A good sign

I woke up thinking more about the days after my surgery than the surgery itself. For so long, all I could think about was the surgery. The hospital. The cold operating room. The breathing tube. This morning I sense a shift, an easing into the what comes next. It’s like my brain is saying enough already, there’s nothing left to worry about here, the subject has been played out. Time to move on.

It’s a good sign.

A few weeks ago I reached out to a handful of friends asking for a list of books, podcasts and binge watching for my recovery. My sweet friend in Chicago created a google doc and little by little others have been adding titles and sharing ideas. I really don’t know what to expect for my recovery, but I imagine myself on the couch in front of the TV or in bed with the iPad kind of watching or listening and dozing off for days and days once I get home. It may not be like that at all, but I like thinking it will be.

For Christmas, my husband gave me all the Jane Austen novels in a hardcover beautifully bound volume that must weigh 10 pounds and is about three inches thick. Of course, it was a little bit of a joke, since we watched the movie about the Jane Austen book club and I admitted that, like one of the characters in the movie, I had never read any of her novels. I’ve always been partial to Edith Wharton. Anyway, I’m looking forward to diving in, though I may need a magnifying glass. The print is small even with my drugstore readers. (Maybe it’s time to cave in and get some Rx reading glasses?)

We spend most of our evenings streaming shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime. I can’t remember the last time I watched network TV in real time. But when it comes to watching movies, I tend to forget what we’ve seen (is it because the plots are all so similar?) and there are times when we get 10 minutes into something and realize that we saw that movie and we hated it, or loved it, or never finished watching because it was just plain stupid.

I imagine this forgetfulness on my part will be even worse after my surgery, so I know the list will come in handy.

There are things I want to do in the next week to make the house more comfortable. Not just for me and my recovery, but for my mom. I wish we had a dedicated guest room, but we don’t, so we need to be creative and flexible. Figuring it out gives me something to think about besides my fears. It helps to be focused on what I can do, small things that will make a big difference — like emptying a closet and clearing space in a drawer, buying groceries and making lists.

It’s strange. As my surgery date gets closer, becomes truly inevitable, I am feeling more resigned to it. Maybe this is acceptance. Finally.

I don’t want to spend the next week sleeping on the couch, waiting for the day to be over. I want to get things done, take care of everything I’ve been pushing aside, prepare.

Yes, it’s definitely a good sign.


4 thoughts on “A good sign

  1. Thank you for the privilege of taking us on this journey with you. I think picturing the days after the surgery – the people who will surround you, the comfortable place you’ll be, and putting as much energy into all of that as possible in these days before the surgery, is going to help a lot. Focus your thoughts on that as often as you can, as that’s where all your healing will take place. And heal you will, my friend. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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