The weight of it all

I woke up early after a bit of a restless night and came downstairs to sit by the tree. I love the early morning quiet, the glow of the lights in the blue gray of dawn. I think the tree has to come down before New Year’s Eve. I have my MRI biopsy on the right breast the 31st and I know from experience I won’t be able to lift anything and I’ll be pretty sore for at least a week. I’m the “tree” person, the one who carefully packs away the glass ornaments and winds the strands of lights so they won’t tangle. If I don’t do it before the biopsy, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to — and as much as I’m enjoying the decorations this year, I need to get everything put away before the craziness of January hits.

I’m a little surprised by how tired I am. I can’t tell if it is emotional or physical, but it’s the kind of tired that pushes me down into a nap on the couch every afternoon. My days feel short, despite the early morning wake up. By the time I shower and dress and have a little something to eat, I’m already thinking about laying down for a bit, then I make dinner and it’s back to the couch. Yesterday I wanted to get out of the house, run a few errands, but I couldn’t motivate myself to go.

There are so many details to consider — I simply can’t hold on to all of it. I write things down, email my brother-in-law about dates, times when I need him to cover for my son. I copy my husband on those emails because I can’t just say the words out loud and trust that it’s taken care of. It’s never one date, but several, and none of us can hold on to them and keep it organized unless we have something to refer back to. I keep telling myself it’s only one month, if we can just get through January, the rest will be easy. Of course, I don’t really know this, but it’s what I tell myself anyway.

Yesterday I got a letter from the insurance company approving a 3 day hospital stay and the reconstruction surgery. It’s weird how the reconstruction becomes this thing that is bigger than the cancer. I’m assuming they have/will also approve the double mastectomy, but I don’t have any paperwork on that yet.

The weight of all these details exhausts me. Maybe that’s why I sleep in the afternoon. I haven’t been to the gym since my first biopsy, I’ve had so many early morning appointments and my trainer is out of town for the holidays. I need to get back to feeling like myself again, back to exercising — even in a small way.

I want more hours in the day, more time to figure it all out, to prepare. The truth is, I know I’ll never be ready.

And it’s just so much easier to give in to the fatigue.

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