Yesterday I deleted all the e-mails on my phone. By mistake. And then, because my world is so beautifully connected and in sync, those same e-mails disappeared from my computer, my iPad, my gmail account and the Cloud. You gotta love technology. Or not.
A friend said, “It’s the universe’s way of lightening your load.” And really, the truth is, hundreds of those old e-mails were entirely useless, but some — some were not. Some I had been saving for years, to re-read, to cherish… I am a little lost without them. We figured out that since I had recently backed up my computer to the external hard drive, the e-mails are safely stored, but digging them out from the layers of back ups is more than I can cope with right now.
I guess this is just proof of the level of my distraction.
The last two days have been a whirlwind of family, friends, gifts and gentle reminders of all that is dear. I am deeply touched by the outpouring of love and support — I feel strong and brave. I have moments of absolute clarity, moments when I think I can do this, and those moments overshadow my doubt and my fear. I overheard my son tell his Nana, “I’m just so glad they found Mom’s cancer early.” He’s slowly processing, taking it in, finding his way through the enormity of this diagnosis. If he can do it, I can do it.
Late last night I bought myself a gift. It was an impulse buy, the kind of thing I might see and want, but talk myself out of for so many reasons. A friend posted a link on FB to MantraBands inspirational bracelets and because I love words, I couldn’t resist. I bought three: Be True. Be You. Be Kind., Be Brave, and finally, Breathe.
Words to live by. Mantras. Inspiration. Things to hold on to, things to let go. Lighten the load… It’s the only thing that makes sense.
I pray you are surrounded by the people you love this holiday season, that your heart is full and your load is light. Thank you for all you’ve given me, for simply being here — with your love, your hope, your words of encouragement and faith.