Sometimes it just sucks

He cried in my arms. Big heartbreaking, choking sobs. “Is there any chance you’re going to be in a coma from the operation?”

My son’s understanding of hospitals and surgery is colored by growing up with the story of his father’s heart operation. I never considered how our openness about that time, that time before he was even born, would impact him now. Of course it was a terrifying experience, but we talk about it now, all these years later, in such a casual way. J was in a coma for five days following surgery to replace his aortic valve and repair an aneurism. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it worries me too. Surgery is full of risks. Some obvious and expected, some entirely unexpected.

I think it was good for him to cry, to tell me how scared he is, how worried. Some of his anxiety is for me, for the cancer, and some is for himself. “Who will make my lunch?” he asked me, and then, “I can’t go to school. There’s no way I can go to school.” I reassured him, held him, let him cry it out. I can make plans for meals and homework and school and I can reassure him that those things will be taken care of in ways that won’t impact him, but I can’t take away his fears about me.

This is when the stupid cancer just pisses me off. There is no upside to any of this. Cancer sucks.


4 thoughts on “Sometimes it just sucks

  1. This to me would be the hardest part-shielding your child from the worry and the pain, the thought that things might not be the same, that you might not be there for him when he needs you. It’s a lot for a kid to handle, but it sounds like all of you are doing a great job communicating.

    Just catching up on your posts from the past few days. Best of luck with your upcoming procedures. What is startling to me is how quickly it’s all happening. I don’t know how you have time to process it all, but I imagine writing every day help sort things out.

    I’ll be thinking of you. Much love,


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Coma!? Oddly, THAT never crossed my mind! The “lunch” question…Now THAT I can understand. I witnessed the sobs. Heartbreaking. He’s so vulnerable…but…then again…we all are. Yes…The big C can certainly suck and sometimes it can stand for Coma…but…we need to stare it down, even with tears in our eyes.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I just read through all of your posts here. You are so strong and brave and I am here for you through whatever I can do from far away. Consider mine a hand that holds yours. I look forward to the day when you can look back on this as something in your past. I love you. Cancer sucks so, so much. But friends are good. And I am that. Sending love.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cancer does suck! I was at City of Hope yesterday for an appointment and saw a poster with a dog chasing a kite. The caption said, Cancer can go fly a kite. I almost took a picture of it for you. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to tell your son about this and then see his heartbreak. You are handling all of this with courage and grace and being such a beautiful example for him. You can and will get to the other side of this! xo


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s