This just got real

Today was rough. I mean, I know I have to have surgery. It’s practically all I’ve written about here — it is the one thing I know for sure. But in the last 12 hours, that surgery stopped being this vague thing that was going to happen and instead became a date on the calendar with an actual plan attached to it.

On January 27th I’m scheduled for a double mastectomy and immediate (simultaneous) DIEP reconstruction.

This morning I had an appointment with Dr. F, the plastic surgeon referred to me by Dr. P, the breast surgeon. Dr. F and Dr. P kind of have a mutual love fest going on — for each other, their staff, the hospital and even their patients. They make a good team. And because they work together ALL THE TIME and because everyone I mention their names to sings their praises, I feel safe and cared for in their hands. But I liked it a lot better when my surgery was just a thing that was going to happen and not THIS thing that IS happening.

I don’t know how to get comfortable with it, how to find my way back to feeling unafraid. Because suddenly, I am more than a little afraid.

There are a few more tests I need to schedule, including genetic testing for the BRCA gene and a CT scan. Then pre-op testing, clearance from my primary care doctor, and surgery. The surgery itself will last several hours, and I am grateful that Dr. F and Dr. P have a routine. They’ve not only done this about 2,000 times, they’ve done it together about 2,000 times. They are the A-team.

I won’t know if I’m going to need chemo or radiation until the pathology reports come in after surgery. Right now none of that feels like a worry to me. It may be at some point, but right now all I see is the surgery. And it scares me only a little bit less than the cancer scares me.

I don’t know. Maybe that’s how it should be. You do the things that scare you to crush the thing that scares you the most.



5 thoughts on “This just got real

  1. I know how scary this all is. I really know. It sounds like you have excellent doctors with years of experience. You can do this! Breathe. Stay focused on the day at hand. Enjoy whatever you are able to enjoy. And I look forward to seeing you in the summer! Sending love and healing prayers to you. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. For my couple-a surgeries back in 2000 I was able to put the actual action of it out of my mind in some sort of self-induced along-for-the-ride attitude. I don’t know where that personal feeling came from so I can’t tell you to go there. But some of it had to do with the confidence I felt in my “docs” and since you DO have that going here…lean on it. All the rest? Keep on leaning. You are surrounded by an army commanded by that gal-pal village…and…your guy. And don’t discount your other “guy” since I have great expectations for him.

    Liked by 1 person

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