I have this strange sensation in my left breast — the breast — it feels cold. I’m still very bruised from the stereotactic biopsy, shades of yellow and green. I know there’s a way to gauge how far along you are in the healing process by the color of the bruising, but I’d have to google it to get the 411 and I’m swearing off google for now. It’s been about 10 days since my biopsy. I’m starting to worry that I’m not moving fast enough, that I should have insisted on an earlier MRI.
The fact that they didn’t rush me through this secondary (or third?) round of testing is encouraging, but also frustrating. Monday seems like a hundred years from now. I imagine the cancer cells multiplying, looking for new territory. How do they spread? Do they hitch a ride in your blood stream? My knowledge of science keeps pace with my son’s — I am his primary homework helper — but this topic hasn’t come up in 8th grade Life Science.
Sleeping has been difficult. Whether it’s stress or discomfort or some combination of the two, I’m tired. I can’t shake the feeling that I should be doing something, lining up appointments, meeting with doctors, preparing. But I’ve already done everything they told me to do.
This all feels so strange. Yesterday I was out Christmas shopping with my husband. Tonight I have 12 for dinner, including my sister and my nephew who are visiting from LA. The boys will have a sleepover here and tomorrow we will do a little sightseeing on Long Island.
I want to make waves across my time. Open my eyes to the flip side of all this. To look down and see that the bruising has faded, the scars have healed and the cancer is gone.