I am terrified that I will choose the wrong doctors and make the wrong decisions, that I will opt for what is easy over what is hard. Denial is so much easier than fear and yet fear is a much better motivator.
Dr. Top-of-Everyone’s-List breast surgeon does not take my insurance. And that is unsettling because the only thing I know for sure at this point is that I have to have surgery. Chemo? Too soon to tell. Radiation? Maybe. But surgery? Without a doubt.
As I understand it, my cancer is kind of three things in one. It’s a mix of invasive ductal carcinoma (or IDC), DCIS and ADH. DCIS and ADH are not scary. ADH is, in fact, pre-cancerous cells. DCIS is curable and has an excellent (nearly 100%) survival rate. But it’s the invasive ductal carcinoma, moderate to poorly differentiated, which gives me nightmares. I feel like a laundry list of probably-not-scary-totally-freaking-me-out acronisms.
While I know a little more today than I did on Friday, it’s still not enough to make me feel in control of any of it. I spent over an hour with my primary care physician this morning and spoke to my gynecologist on the phone. Both referred me to other specialists and tried to outline the next few steps in the process. But still I have questions.
I felt good and then bad and then better again, back and forth for most of the day. And then it was 3pm. I picked up the boy from school and listened as he chattered about his day on the car ride home. By the time we pulled into the driveway, I felt the worry slip away. We did math and social studies and before long it was just another day.
So that’s how it’s going to be, I guess. Different, but still exactly the same.